I have a confession to make: that last entry? Was written weeks ago. I had it sitting in the queue as a draft, and I published it so what followed would make sense, but also because it allowed me to go two more weeks without facing the internet.
I’m sad. I’m very very sad.
And I’m kind of baffled at how sad I am.
My health is pretty darn good, not perfect, but OK. Bear’s job is going really well, I’ve got great friends, I love my work at church. And when my health was at my absolute worst, when doctors were telling me I was crazy and refusing to help me, I was sad, but I worked hard to keep my spirits up. I was sad, but I was never depressed.
I think I’m now depressed.
Not clinically, of course. Just moping through the day with a big black cloud over me. Just whining and pouting and feeling rudderless.
I’m one of those people who always believed they’d leave a mark on the world. I believe(d?) that I will do something important, make a difference, contribute. I’m not so sure right now. I have had such a record string of failure that it’s a little hard for my brash ego to keep on puffing up.
I obviously didn’t get the part, but that’s not even the straw that broke the camel’s back. They decided they wanted to go with a married couple to play Mary and Joseph and this is irritating to me on a few levels. First of all, it seems lazy. A married couple should have chemistry so no one has to worry about acting that out. Latter Day Saints are also so very protective of the marriage vows, that many people can’t stomach the thought of two people that are married to different people to even *pretend* they’re married to each other. Even if there’s no physical relationship involved. I keep ping-ponging between two frames of mind about this: I can’t take the rejection personally because they obviously wanted a couple to play the parts together; or I would have felt better if someone else just had the hands down better audition rather than losing out on a technicality.
Anyway, that was a bummer. But like I said, not the straw that broke the camel’s back. I think that was just time. I’ve been healthy for six months, and I have been able to accomplish absolutely nothing. My time on Lupron is over, I can already feel my symptoms coming back, and I have nothing to show for it.
I’ve been trying to write like I keep whining about, and it is just not working out. I just don’t know one thing about the structure necessary to wrap words around.
*sigh* I’m not sure if I even have the energy up to sufficiently whine. This had just been an incredibly hard year, and I am spent. Between my illness and surgery and doctors telling me I’m crazy, and psychiatrists, and pain pills, and hormones and hot flashes and rejection from every job out there, and not getting the part in the play, and family drama, and everyone around having babies (seriously – 2 SIL’s, 2 close friends, and 3 ward members), job uncertainty, buying a house then not buying a house, losing 40 pounds and gaining 40 pounds all in 8 months, family drama some more, and having no apparent purpose in life….blargh. Sucks.
I just don’t know what I should be doing with myself right now. With not being able to have a baby, I’ve had to really search for what brings me fulfillment and purpose during this time. But this year every single thing I’ve tried has not worked out or failed spectacularly, so I’m left feeling utterly lost and without moorings.