It never truly goes away. Whenever I finish a course of the drugs that put me through menopause I start right back up with the slow growth process. Eventually I have to admit that midol won’t get me through my period. And then slowly I’ll go from having one bad pain day to having a bad pain week when I’m on my period. And then eventually I’ll have pain around the time of ovulation. And now I have to admit that I’m having pain every day.
This really blows.
Aside from the obvious, pain hurts and that sucks, it’s hard to manage my life when I have to be on serious pain killers. Right now I have to wake up and rush through any work that requires my faculties. Any writing, any thinking, any interviews or public speaking, I have to do it all while gritting my teeth until I have to cry uncle and go take the drugs. And then I have to deal with all the guilt and shame that comes along with chronic illness – feeling like a waste of space, feeling guilty for being a burden, feeling intense intense shame over being stoned in front of Atticus and not present for him. Every day I have to decide, do I want to be in pain? Or do I want to be functional? Which is a higher priority? And because a mom taking prescription drugs is such a ridiculous cliche, I try as hard as I can to never let people see me medicated. I’ll talk about it publicly on my own terms, but I don’t ever want a teacher or bus driver to see me altered. And I obviously never drive on medication – duh – which puts another crimp in my life management plans. No trips to Target for diapers or to the grocery store when the fridge is empty.
But what I’m really struggling with right now is the fear. I’m afraid it will get as bad as it was in my 20′s when I was completely disabled. Back when I first started blogging because I was on pain medication every minute I was awake and I could go weeks without talking to a human besides Bear. I lost a decade already to this disease, it’s terrifying to contemplate going back there.
Of course, this time I actually have health insurance. I have a doctor who doesn’t think I’m crazy or that periods are supposed to hurt. I have a treatment plan in place and I just have to wait until the medicine is available at the right time in my cycle. It shouldn’t be much longer before I’m complaining about hot flashes and food cravings again.
But for today, I’m mourning. I’m mourning my own limitations, I’m mourning the pain I feel and all the emotions that come with that, and I’m mourning that I can’t be the kind of mom I want to be. I guess the good thing is that in just a little while the pain medication will kick in and I’ll find it all hilarious.