I wrote a book you guys. I don’t think I’ve really taken the time to properly process that. I finished the first draft on Christmas Eve and then spent the rest of the holiday weeping with relief and pride and disbelief. I knew immediately that there were things I needed to change, but I wanted to let it sit for a while before picking it right back up. Which is part of what I’ve been doing while I’ve been away. Sitting. Sleeping. Walking slowly from room to room. Recharging. Mulling. It’s been awesome.
I’ve finished my first read through and how I feel about it depends on the day. Sometimes I think it might actually be good. Maybe even…important? Other times it feels like something I wouldn’t take to the beach with me. That’s a creative person for you.
Before I take a second pass at it, I’ve been doing some reading. There’s some things I want to think about, research to do, practice to complete, and that reading has been another luxurious thing in my days. Even better because I don’t have to try to rationalize it. I can lay down and read and still feel like I’m accomplishing something that must get done. I wish I appreciated that more when I was in school.
It’s all been such a nice change from the pace of last year, and I know it can’t last forever unless I’m willing to change a whole lot about my life. But these are the dilemmas of our modern age, right? Every woman I know – those that stay home with their kids and those that don’t, those that have a job that pays them money, and those that don’t – struggles with balance. Work/Life balance, Family/Self balance, the balance between what goes in and what goes out. It’s a dilemma for everyone. So thank you to all of you who have been patient with my attempts at balance.
I don’t think I’ll ever be one of those women who is content with a simple life. I read those blogs like tabloids – the seasonal learning, the connection to nature, the pondering over grand themes while witnessing the smallest changes – I love it so much but it’s all like reading about parties I will never attend or glamorous people I will never know. I’m too ambitious, my own rhythms too chaotic. But I think I’m learning to be OK with that. My own method of peaks and valleys has its own advantages if I know how to handle it, and on the days I get it right? I feel like the most powerful woman in the world.
On the days I get it right I get to have my cake and eat it too. I get to write my novel with my son playing at my feet, I get to have his singing heard on an interview with the Huffington Post, I get to retreat into the arms of my family when the rest of the world overwhelms me, I get to participate in the big picture of impact I want to make on the world and the small picture of the impact I want to make on my son. It’s so worth the juggling act to me.