Since my teeth are pretty much worthless, I’ve been spending a LOOOOOOOOT of time (and money) in the dentist’s chair. And since my teeth are pretty much worthless I’ve developed a lot of anxiety about that. Oh the pain my poor little mouth has felt, oh the anxiety when I know what’s coming for me.
My current dentist is my favorite I’ve ever had, so good I can barf on him and still manage to come back, and one of the best parts is the free nitrous. I get to relax and get gassed out without any additional cost, so I take full advantage of it. Even at cleanings.
Every time I go under, I start feeling all kinds of funny sensations, and followed immediately behind the feeling is my own voice trying to describe them in case I forget. Which I do, every time, as soon as the medication wears off. But this last time I actually sent myself a message. And took a picture. I typed myself a note on my phone saying, “My subconscious is a writer!!”
This was apparently a discovery I made while on the medication, time and time again, and I tried to remind myself only to forget as I sobered up. But every time I’m on anesthesia the feeling is so novel that the first thing that comes to mind is to describe it, even if I’m the only one listening. And one of those times as I was doing it I realized that it meant that in the deep deep part of my brain, the part that my regular self doesn’t even know how to hear, I am most interested in communicating, describing, connecting, explaining. Away from my judgments and fears, away from my self-doubt or grandiose expectations, what I am at my most fundamental is a writer.
You might be saying, “Uh, duh. How long have you been at this, Tresa?” But it was a really paradigm shifting moment for me. To be exposed to that part of myself, that subconscious part that lies hidden most of the time, and find such proof that I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing. And all of my insecurities – education, experience, connections, training, blah blah blah blah – can go hang. Each of us has those insecurities. We each have things keeping us from living the kinds of lives we dream about, and we each have to find the power to overcome them. I’ve always known that power could only come from inside ourselves, but now I’ve actually gotten to hear it talking back.