Atti in his little red walker. If it wasn’t rented I’d paint flames on the side.
Sunday’s are getting harder and harder around here. Atticus is now old enough to go into the children’s nursery and play with all the kids at church 18 months to 3 years old. Bear and I take turns staying in there with him because there are never enough people to go around, and with a roomful of wiggly bodies and wooden blocks, Atti requires full time attention.
The first few times we’ve taken him went fairly smoothly. He doesn’t exactly play with the other kids. He barely even seems to register that there are twenty other kids in the room. He’s just been busy scoping out the new environment and laying on his back while he entertains himself by staring at his hands moving in front of his face like he’s on an acid trip. Now that he’s a little more familiar, he’s starting to engage more and getting really pissed off to discover all the cool tricks the other kids can do that he can’t.
Yesterday he threw a screaming hissy fit until I held him up on his feet in a standing position. But since he can’t stand on his own, it meant I had to hold this 20 pound kid aloft for an hour.
When my arms finally gave out and I couldn’t hold him suspended any longer, he stretched out on his belly and threw a full body, back arching, screaming, head banging on the floor, tantrum. I just tried to not burst out in sobs as I caught his head before he smashed it in the carpet.
Interacting with typically developing kids is good for Atti. It’s good for him to get pissed off when he can’t do something he wants to do. It’s good for him to see these behaviors modeled so he’ll work towards them himself. But holy crap is it depressing for me. Just the ease with which these kids go from sitting to laying down, or the way they can manipulate a toy with both hands, the way they interact with each other and the leaders, it’s pretty hard to deny how much work is ahead of my guy.
When my turn was up and Bear took over baby duties, I had to run to the bathroom to have myself a little cry and wash up before I went to teach my teenage girls. I splashed some water on my face, touched up the runny mascara, and went off to class where I sat by my friend EmaLee who is the mom of the most adorable little red headed two year old. I told her how hard the last hour was for Atti and she said, “Oh my gosh, that was us during Sacrament meeting! Did you hear Erek screaming? Last week it was so bad I had to go into the bathroom to have a little cry!”
Atticus is now 19 months old, which would make him 16 months old adjusted age. Although we are rapidly approaching that 2 year birthday when they stop adjusting his age, hoping that any prematurity delay will have worked itself out by then. He has such a strong little personality, just as I expected from day one, and it’s hard to know what he can’t do vs. what he can but won’t do. He’s always been a reserved baby, stingy with his smiles, taking his time warming up to people but especially new surroundings. Maybe what looks like a delay next to another kid is just his little personality. Maybe instead of the tantrums being a result of frustration born out of his disability, it’s typical toddler frustrated at the world behavior.
I just wish I had any kind of an answer, about anything at all really. One of the other moms on the panel I did last month told me that a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy is like a diagnosis of bleeding. It could mean anything from a gaping wound to a papercut, and there’s no way of knowing which you’re looking at. I would really love to know what Atti’s ultimate abilities are going to be. Maybe then I could relax and just accept what he’ll be able to achieve. But knowing me, I’d just be even more impatient for him to get there.
Aw, Tresa, keep your head up. My mom had to go through many, many, many tantrums like Atti's with me when I was little. Cerebral Palsy is hard as no two cases are the same. I'm very lucky I had a mild/moderate (depending on your point-of-view) case and my mom had been taking me to every therapy under the sun since I was 6 months old, over 3 years before the diagnosis. I presented differently to every neurology so they couldn't pin exactly where my C.P. affected me or exactly what kind they were dealing with. I was diagnosed with Spastic Cerebral Palsy but it's more likely I'm mixed–spastic in my legs(tight muscle tone) and ataxic in my hands (loose muscle tone). My wrists are very weak and the last X-Ray (when I was 10) I had on them showed very stretched out wrist muscles. There isn't much I can tell you except to keep loving him and pushing him. I can't tell you, "He's going to be like everyone else so don't worry." If I did, I'd be lying as I'm clearly not like everyone else. I still have problems with my C.P. and my other disorders.I found a site a couple of days ago that helped me understand a lot more about C.P. There's so little research done but I hope this helps you a bit. It certainly helped me understand a bit more of my own disorder. It may help to bring some of the info with you next time you see Atti's doctors.http://www.about-cerebral-palsy.org/index.htmlMany, many hugs,KateP.S. I totally can't remember which username I use (ellenora or Kate) so now I'm just going to use the google! So much easier.
He'll get there, Tresa. You guys are doing a great job, but undoubtedly it's normal to feel very nervous about the future and frustrated sometimes. I guess all you can keep doing is pressing on, which is much easier said than done, isn't it?Love and hugs!
I don't know the first thing about CP or even the usual stresses of being a mom. Just chiming in to send you a hug and to say he's absolutely adorable! Maybe you could get some vinyl flames for the walker?
*hugs* As usual, I'm totally digging the picture of Atti.Some of it at least is most definately normal toddler snits! My 19-month-old has been a crazy temper-tantrum throwing kiddo for the last few months. Full body flinging, wailing, getting so angry he tries to bite me (and then when I won't let him he bites his own hand!) fits. It's amazing and terrifying how much raw emotion his little body can hold.I just wanted to try and reassure you a bit if I could that at least a small part of what is going on with Atti is very developmentally healthy and normal. I know he has many challenges ahead of him (and faces many challenges every day), so please don't take what I wrote as glossing over Atti's situation. He definately faces more frustrations than most toddlers. He's such a beautiful little chap. Thanks again for sharing him with all of us!
so temper tantrums.. TICKThat's another milestone to celebrate… ROTFL I remember those days, it's just as well we love our children or I don't think humankind would have survived.What I really used to hate were people who stared at the kid throwing the tantrum… I used to say to them "Don't look so shocked you did this once too!" Enjoy the seclusion, I think all mums need it sometimes, it keeps you sane. But remember you can be secluded sat on a beach and the sound of waves is very calming.