He DID IT!

It's official. My baby has gone wireless. I have been holding him and pacing circles around the house just because I can. It's so wonderful to be able to pick up the phone without dragging luggage behind, or just get up to get myself a drink without buckling him in to something. I even went to the mall yesterday, just the two of us, and it was actually fun. I just had him in his sling and then carried the diaper bag and I felt so free and easy. We went to the doctor again today to get him checked out and see if he could maintain doing it all on his own, and she took one look at him and decided to not even bother with the equipment because he looked so good.

I pick Bear up from the airport in a couple of hours and it really couldn't come too soon. In the past two weeks I've really only had about two hours where I wasn't on baby duty. It's wonderful and so deeply draining. I've gotten to a point where I'm so exhausted that I'm ridiculously moody about everything. Our computer was in the shop a couple weeks ago and it's already acting back up, so of course I threw a weepy fit. Then I tried to spend a little time working on my satin quilt, and the sewing machine wasn't cooperating, so I again started whimpering and had to go lay down for awhile. The silliest things just seem so insurmountable right now. Bear will be home for the long weekend, and I might actually get to sleep through the night a couple of times. I'm sure that will help restore me to sanity.

Overall, the first half of my experiment with single motherhood has been so much easier than I thought. He's such a sweet little cooperative baby. His time in the NICU definitely set him up for success at home, and every day he manages to sleep when he's supposed to I want to call those nurses and sing their praises again.

Atticus and I already have a special relationship that is making this time together so sweet. When we first met each other we'd both gone through a harrowing experience we barely made it out of, we were both on heavy medication and fighting for our lives, and I remember visiting him in the NICU. He wrapped his teeny little hand around my pinkie finger and I was so shocked at the strength he had when he appeared so frail. We were in it together then, fighting to recover for each other.

It still feels that way. Our days are full of little miracles that make me wonder just what his little spirit is aware of. I'll be at the end of my resources after a long day, my dinner will be getting cold in the microwave and he'll be fighting off sleep, and I'll say to him, "Baby, close your eyes. I need you to sleep now." And then he will. Or I'll set him in his swing and tell him that I need just fifteen minutes of internet time to interact with the outside world, and it's like he has an internal timer. He'll stare around the room for almost exactly 15 minutes and then start fussing wildly, ready for another snuggle session. And when I'm consumed with my frustration and worry, he'll do something that seems so miraculous it renews me whole. He's already figuring out how to hold the pacifier in his mouth using his hands, he's starting to grip the bottle when I feed him, and he's already rolled from his front to his back a few times.

Then, this morning I got up while he was still sleeping and took advantage of the opportunity to go to the bathroom without rushing. When I got back I popped my head over the side of the cosleeper to check on him, and just then he opened his eyes, looked right at me, and shot me the cutest little grin. Suddenly it doesn't matter if I haven't made it out of my spit-up stained pj's in a week. It doesn't matter if I don't get to eat anything until 4, or that I spent the whole day cleaning up the poop of one little guy and three fuzzy beasts. I'm stuttering along as best I can and my baby is happy. That's good enough.

Just like a real baby

There really aren't words to express how relieved I'll be when this dang oxygen is gone. It makes every tiny thing so ridiculously complicated. Along with my detailed birth plan that got thrown out the window, my pretty little idea of attachment parenting got killed by the harsh fact of what my baby takes to survive. I can't exactly wear him in a sling all day when I also have to be harnessed up to a tank. I do it, but it's impossible to get anything done that way.


Mama as pack mule, trying to go grocery shopping

I can get by when I need to, but try changing the laundry over in that rig. Or putting it away for that matter. Or bending over for any reason at all without toppling right over to your death. I have this enormous staircase to clomp up and down 88 times a day and each time I have to choose - baby and his whole entourage, or anything else.

For the last couple of weeks Atticus and I have been waging a full on occasionally bloody battle to try to keep that oxygen tube taped to his face. It should come as no surprise to me that a preemie capable of yanking a tube out of his throat (5 TIMES!) should be able to figure out how to wrap his chubby little fingers around a tube that's merely taped to his face and pull. He hates that thing with all his little might, and on the rare occasions that I take it off completely to clean the baby boogers out of it, his eyes get all big and he gets this look on his face like a whole new world had been opened to him. A world where he isn't covered in tubes and wires and tape that distorts his little face into some weird halloween mask, but a world where he gets to be free of all that and just do it all on his own.

And then I have to put the tube back on and he screams for hours and breaks my heart.

We went to a new doctor on Friday at the insistence of our wonderful home health nurse. We told her how the last appointment went and she called the doctor all kinds of salty names and then made us promise to get in with someone on a list of great doctors she made for us. Once again, I'm telling you. There are some pretty great silver linings in being a NICU mom.

So we went to the new doctor, and her plan was to turn down the oxygen immediately, and then an hour or so before the nurse comes again to take him off of it completely. Then when the nurse measures his oxygen levels, if it's high enough, we can just leave him off of it, and we'll go back again on Friday to double check he's doing well. This was so thrilling. Especially since our first doctor basically just said, "Yeah, whatever. See you in a month."

Tomorrow's the big day. The nurse will come tomorrow morning and then we'll see how he's doing. Considering that last night he managed to rip his tube completely off his face in the middle of the night and slept through just fine. I think tomorrow will be a good day.

Inspiration Wall

Ever since Christmas my nesting has hit hyperdrive. I've had a million and one projects lined up patiently waiting for me to finish up construction and painting and Christmas, and I was trying to race through and finish them before the Rookie arrived to demand all of my attention. Of course, he kind of thwarted my plans in about five different ways, but I'm still doing my best to make dents in my plans here and there.

Last summer I was at Urban Outfitters and came across a collection of 10 matching frames in a variety of sizes, just perfect for doing a great grouping (what do you know, they still carry them!). I snapped them up and immediately had plans to fill a wall with them. I imagined filling them with great fabrics or scrapbook papers, something really colorful and graphic. Then I proceeded to set them in a corner of my studio and ignore them for six months. That turned out to be a happy accident, because over those six months I completely changed plans and came up with something I am just wild about.

I decided to use them on a wall in my studio, which made me think of using them as an inspiration wall. I love reading craft blogs and seeing magazine clippings and paint swatches and fabric samples all over the walls as one big gorgeous creative mess, but I've never really been successful in using one. Mainly because I don't seem to have enough hard copies of what inspires me. I usually just use my bookmarks folder as my inspiration wall. But thinking on the topic of inspiration walls got me thinking about a different form of inspiration, so I began collecting quotes that really moved me in a creative direction.

Once I selected all my quotes, I braved my limited Photoshop skills and made jpegs of the quotes all decorated up, then had them printed as photos at Costco.


I cut pieces of paper to the sizes of the frames, and taped them up on the wall until I found the magic grouping that made me happy.



I just love it. Instead of sewing when I'm sitting at my desk, I find myself staring at it. And every quote is so meaningful to me, it totally kicks my butt in all the best ways.

Here you go. My gift to you. Feel free to download for personal use, but please credit me if you use them online. I hope you find them inspirational.

I am not afraid. I was born to do this. - Joan of Arc.

Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. - Dalai Lama

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift. - Steve Prefontaine

I am not giving you these experiences for yourself. Write them down. - Henry B. Eyring

One hour devoted to the pursuit of beauty and love is worth a full century of glory. - Kahil Gibran

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. - Scott Adams

If you want to move the world, you first have to move yourself. - Deiter F. Uchtdorf

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. - Marianne Williamson

We don't have an eternity to realize our dreams, only the time we are here. - Susan Taylor

I believe that what we want to write wants to be written. I believe as I have an impulse to create, the something I want to create has an impulse to want to be born. - Julia Cameron

My other Baby Boy

Would you look at the size of this tank? Who would've thought such a little cross-eyed dummy would turn into this cross-eyed monster?

I'm one of those crazy cat ladies that really believes that our cats are part of our family. Going beyond that, I believe they were sent to us when we needed them. We got our two girls for free back when we were living in New Hampshire and I was completely housebound with endometriosis. They were my little companions and kept me sane when I would go for weeks without speaking to a person in the flesh.

When we first got our new little kitty Lobo, I was actually a little annoyed. These cats are expensive and we could have used that money a million other places. Plus there was the minor issue of expecting a baby. Not exactly the best timing.

It's turned out that adding this dumb little Lobo to our family couldn't have been timed better. Every day I'd come back from the NICU aching to hold my baby, so I'd pick up my other fuzzy little guy and he'd let me snuggle him for hours at a time. I'd cradle him like a baby, or lay him on my chest just so I wouldn't feel quite so wrong all by myself all of a sudden.



Now that Atticus is home, the kitties are all a little displaced, but they're adjusting.

Year of Pleasures #9

We've created a snuggle monster. Maybe a few months from now when he won't be content with anyone but me, I'll regret this. But right now, I'm treasuring it.

Being a NICU mom makes you so grateful for the stupidest things. The first time I got to change his diaper I bawled. And then I preceded to push the nurses out of the way every time to do it myself.

Here's another milestone:


Isn't it wonderful? I'm like a real mom now!

Yesterday I had a blog post planned where I bragged all about my perfect child and how I managed to go out to lunch, shop at Target where I tried on actual clothes, pop over to Babies R Us, ran on the treadmill, and worked outside in the yard for a while.

And then today the Rookie fussed so much I didn't get lunch until 4:30, I spent the whole day begging him to tell me what he needed, and then got him settled just in time to watch him throw up spectacularly all over me, himself, and the couch.

Three days down. 23 to go.

Single Parenthood Starts Today

At 5:30 this morning I drove Bear off to the airport. And he won't be back for a month. He'll actually be home for Memorial Day weekend, but I'm pretty much on my own until June 6th. I'm scared stupid.

So far I'm doing good. We made the hour long drive home just fine, he took his morning bottle and we cuddled up together for a little nap, he chilled out contentedly in his swing while I rushed around washing a clean bottle (because of course we only bought four. He's going to be breastfed! What do we need tons of bottles for? Pbbt.) and measuring all his morning medications, and now he's sleeping again back in the superfancy swing we bought him.

So now I should have just enough time to shove some food in my face and toss in a load of laundry.

We have a gardener coming later this afternoon because in the entire year we've lived here, we've never once pruned our jungle of a backyard and it has now overgrown into an epic forest primeval. I'm thinking that he is just going to have to handle seeing me in my spitup stained pajamas. Let's be realistic here. I'm doing well, but there's no way I'm getting a shower today.

Baby Beanbag

Finally, we've reached the end of our patterns for the NICU. This item was my very favorite of all the cool little gadgets and things they had there.

Beanbag pattern

The nurses used this little beanbag for everything and Atticus loved the thing. It's main purpose is to sit on top of the babies feet, with the arms of the beanbag pushing the babies legs into proper position instead of splayed out to the sides. As we've discussed, gravity is very hard on these little bodies that still belong in the womb. Their little legs get pushed open which can cause a lot of harm on their hips and knees and lead to further problems as they develop. This beanbag pushes their legs closed just as they'd be if they were still gestating.

They also frequently just drape this over the baby's whole body. Atticus just LOVED this. It offers just enough pressure to make the babies feel safe and bundled up and cozy without getting in the way too much. Atti got to sleep with the beanbag way before he had matured enough for it to be safe actually bundling him up.

It also serves as an extra set of hands inside the little isolette. I saw it used to prop up his oxygen tubes or set next to his face to hold the pacifier in place. It's the greatest little thing ever.

To make the baby beanbag, cut two pieces of the pattern piece. I didn't include a seam allowance in the pattern because it wouldn't fit on my paper that way, so I just traced the pattern onto the fabric and then cut about 1/4" outside the lines. It was also handy being able to just sew right on by traced line when I was going around so many curves. Sew the pieces right sides together leaving a gap between the arms, and turn right side out. These will have to be washed and sterilized constantly, so the best filling to use is the plastic pellets you find in the doll aisle. Each beanbag should be filled about halfway full, which should take about a full bag of pellets. Sew shut thoroughly.

That's it! If I was unclear about any of these patterns, please email me at tresa at tresaedmunds dot com and I'll walk you through it.

Baby Clothes for little babies

It's taken me forever to try to figure out how to post this simple little pattern. Once I scanned it in I had to try to trace it in Photoshop, and that proved to max out my meager computer skills. But I think I've finally managed to get it done. I think. Click the links below to find out if I accomplished it.

Large Vest

Small Vest

These vests are used for NICU babies who are attached to too many wires to wear regular baby clothes. If a baby has an IV, they can't get their little arms into sleeves. If they have a shunt or other head issues, they can't get their little bean through a neck. And if anything starts to go wrong, you can't get a baby out of those clothes fast enough to save them.

Experts agree that babies should wear a little something. These vests won't keep them warm on their own, but every little bit helps. It's much more for the comfort of the parents and a reminder for the staff. This covers up a lot of the wires and scary parts and makes the baby look more like a little baby. Books I read said that these helped his caregivers to treat the babies like little humans instead of a series of tasks to be performed, and encourage the parents to bond with their babies which can be difficult to do when looking at a red wrinkly thing covered in wires and encased in a plastic box.

Construction is incredibly simple. Cut two of the pattern pieces, on a fold. Unfold both pieces and line them up right sides together. Stitch the pieces together with a 1/4" seam allowance, leaving a small gap at the bottom and turn right side out. Iron the piece flat, and then topstitch the piece as close the the edge as you can. Finish by stitching squares of velcro where indicated on the pattern so that you create an arm and a vest closure.


Notice how the velcro is attached? One side of it is attached to the front fabric, and the other side is attached to the back fabric. You don't want to figure that one out the hard way.

More NICU needs

I've already been getting so much great stuff sent my way. I'm so touched by what you all continue to do. I've been taking pictures and I'll show them off once I finally finish putting up the patterns in the first place.

So now that we've covered the outside of the isolette, let's address what these little guys need on the inside.

For starters, there's their bedding.


Babies, as I'm sure you're aware, are both snuggly little things as well as spontaneous poop factories. This bedding serves dual purposes of giving the babies a nice soft little place to lay down, while also being incredibly easy to remove so the isolette can remain sterile even after the poop starts to fly.

They couldn't be simpler to make. Fleece fabric works best for this since it's snuggly and a little spongy, so it's like a blanket and mattress in one. Then it should be cut so that it will measure 24" x 20" after a simple hem.

Underneath their little bedding is usually what they call a "snake."


This is basically just a stuffed tube that they place in a U shape to make a nice cozy little nest for the babies. During their time in the NICU, it's all about making the babies feel as close to the womb as humanly possible. This little snake shrinks the big plastic box down to whatever size that particular baby needs, and forces the baby to squish up instead of sprawl out. This is better for their joints, their future development, but especially for their stress level. It's scary for a baby who is used to the fetal position to suddenly be forced into a starfish position because they're too little to fight against gravity.

The snake can be made out of any easy care fabric. Flannel and cotton work best. To make them you need a piece of fabric measuring 6 1/2" by either 30" or 36". Sew this fabric into a tube, and then close the ends. I cut a circle that roughly measured the diameter of the tube and sewed that on, but you could easily just sew them shut without adding the extra work.

Then stuff them with polyfil. The right consistency is important in the stuffing. You don't want them so squishy they don't offer the support babies need, but you don't want them overstuffed so they can't hold their U shape. Somewhere in the middle is just right.

Next up: baby clothes!

We're HOME!!!

My teeny little superguy finally busted out of the NICU and is now safely home with us. We are just crazy with happiness.

He's actually been home for a week as of today, but we've been trying to get the routine down and escape the craziness our lives became over the past three months. Luckily Bear's been home with me, which has just been invaluable as we've been creating a whole new family life.

We had to start with a hot scrub of our house from top to bottom. In the year that we've lived here, cleanliness was not a top priority. When we weren't engaged in major home renovations, I was terribly sick, or recovering from surgery, or some combination of the three. This place needed a boiling before we brought home a baby. I hadn't spent much time in my studio over the past three months, and once I got in there I discovered that my poor displaced kitties had been expressing their displeasure all over the place.

He's such an incredibly good baby. He only cries when he wants food or needs a change. He'll occasionally fuss a little when he wants a snuggle, but afterwards we'll pop him in his super deluxe swing and he'll snooze for four hours. He's still running on his schedule from the hospital, which works out great for us. When he cries we change his pants, snuggle him while tucking a bottle in his mouth, and then he sends himself right off to sleep. I tell you, if it wasn't so terribly traumatic to be separated, I'd recommend a NICU stay for every baby. It's like Baby Boot Camp in there.

In still more positive news, Bear has a job. I think it's actually going to work out better for us in the long run. Instead of just running a skilled nursing facility for the elderly, the new job is an entire campus with independent living, assisted living, as well as the skilled nursing. We'll get a little more money, a lot more stability, and should a freak thing happen again where we find ourselves out of work, he'll have a whole new career pool available to him.

But this is us we're talking about here. Two people who don't get showered with blessings, but pounded by them. All of our blessings seem to come wrapped in a dookie coating. This time Bear has a big fancy great job, but he has to leave here on the 12th to go to Alabama for a month (A MONTH!!) for training. Leaving me and the Rookie to figure things out on our own. I've been having at least one panic attack a day since we got the news.

Also, our little guy is home, but he's still on oxygen and refuses to breast feed. At all. Spits it out screaming like it's on fire. After pumping a total of 4+ hours a day, I still couldn't produce enough milk for him, and the milk I did produce, after taking all kinds of herbs and prescriptions to get any at all, was thinner than skim milk. I think it's safe to say that breastfeeding isn't going to work for us. Which breaks my heart like I can't even say. I'm a total earth mother wannabe. If I had my way I'd nurse this kid until he was old enough to say no thank you. But between his medications and hauling around an oxygen tank on wheels like he's an old man with emphysema and having to become a single parent for a month and bottle feed this little guy, I really can't find the 4+ hours to pump every day. I'm trying to make light and look on the bright side, but I'm actually pretty horribly depressed about this.

It's a very good thing that he is such a sweet little calm baby because not only am I going to have to do this on my own for awhile, but he requires a whole lot of care. We just had our first doctors appointment where everything except his growth looked good, and even that was at least headed in the right direction. The Home Health Nurse comes on Tuesdays, the Occupational Therapist comes on Mondays, then we have to see the Ophthalmologist, and we'll follow up with the NICU's High Risk Infant Followup Clinic. He's on all kinds of prescriptions that have to be precisely measured at certain times of day, and he has to take special high calorie formula to try to get his weight up. The OCD in me wants to start making all kinds of spreadsheets and graphs to track his progress, but I'm trying to sit on that part of myself and just enjoy my little guy for the special little spirit that he is.