Thanks to my long struggle with endometriosis, I managed to waste away 40 pounds. I was wearing clothes I haven’t worn since my first year of marriage and they were still falling off of me. While I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love the weight loss, it was also fairly scary to me because I knew that it came from being technically anorexic. I would try to eat and I could barely make my way through one of the little McDonald’s hamburgers that come in a happy meal. I’d cook an enormous meal and take literally two bites before I’d be gagging.
After the surgery I started to be able to eat again, but I was trying to be really careful. I knew that if your body is starving, it’s going to store every new calorie as fat. And I really liked my new look, even if it didn’t come about very healthily, so I wanted to do what I could to preserve it.
Then the hormones kicked in and all bets are off. Suddenly the Lupron is making me an insatiable garbage pit and I can not get enough food to satisfy the constant cravings running through my mind. I’ve been known to eat two dinners and then want dessert. I’ll find myself wandering through the house looking for food to shut up the voice in my head screaming “MORE!” The nights are the worst. I crave sugar so badly my teeth itch.
So obviously I’ve gained some weight back, but I’m still not back up to my largest point. I look fine. I’m still wearing all my own clothes, some of them are still falling off of me and others aren’t so much. But I’m really starting to develop a complex. I lost so much weight so quickly and I’m putting so much weight back on so quickly, that it kind of shocked the sense out of me. I always prided myself on being pretty happy with how I looked even though you could never pay me to put on a bikini in public – but not anymore. Now I’m all too aware of every calorie I put in my mouth. I’m debating keeping a food diary and trying diets.
And I’m panicking about the precedent I’m setting. Here I am on Lupron, hormonally eating. Once I get off it I’ll start fertility drugs which will cause me to hormonally eat. Then I’ll get pregnant (knock on wood) which will cause me to hormonally eat. By this time next year I’ll be such a fat butt. Ug.
I really hate that I’ve turned into one of those girls. Who publicly talks about her weight and diets and blah blah blah. And here I am blogging about it. Oy. What a cliche.