Here we go…

On Wednesday I went and got myself shot up with Lupron.

So far, so good.

My nurse was fantastic, I literally didn’t even feel the needle prick, and by now I’m so used to being poked and prodded that I wouldn’t have cared even if I did. The worst part about the whole thing was just having to have a period before they’d give me the shot. And periods could not suck more in my world.

For the past few days I’ve just been cold chillin’, waiting for the dreaded side effects to come around and kick my booty. Every time I find myself the slightest bit warm I ask Bear, “Is it warm in here or is it just me?” I keep waiting for the hammer of hot flash to drop down on my head. I have had a little bit of heart palpitation, but that’s an easy one to live with. It never lasts long and it’s not terribly uncomfortable.

The antibiotics did their job, and I’d now say I’m completely recovered from the surgery. Unfortunately I’m not yet recovered from the endo, so after all this I’m back to my regular old invalid life. I have been trying to limit how many pain pills I’m taking, mainly because I’m a little concerned about being able to leave them behind.

Let me clarify: I don’t think I’m addicted to prescription drugs. Foremost because I avoided narcotics like a bill collector and the pain pill I do take every day is known for it’s low addictive quality. On this one issue I’d have to agree with the doctor and say it’s all in my head. I’m concerned about leaving the pills behind because I have been in so much pain for so long that I have no faith that the pain would ever not be there. I can’t imagine what it would feel like to not be in pain. Will I even recognize it when it comes? So I’m afraid to not take a pill because they’ve almost become a security blanket, not to numb my feelings or get me to escape reality (my tolerance is WAY too high for that) but simply to do their job and take the edge off the pain.

I tend to be a little overanalytical, ever notice?

So every day I’m trying to go a little longer between doses. When there was no end in sight and every day only brought more of the same pain, there was no reason to be a martyr and feel bad when there was a way out. But now that I’m on the Lupron and there is theoretically an end to at least the pain symptoms, I feel like I need to work harder at taking the bare minimum of pain relief I can get away with. To wean myself off, and so that I can monitor my progress. If I dope myself up constantly, how will I know if it’s working? Or not?

So with that being my thinking, the past few days haven’t been terribly pleasant. There’s a reason why pain management doctors tell you to never skip a dose, even if you don’t feel like you need one right then. Once I cave and take the dang thing, it takes a while to work. And while I’m waiting I’m holding my guts and whimpering.